Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
