Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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