I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I checked into jail on foursquare
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
