Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
