he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
