Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's rum buckets o'clock
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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