No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
