Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize