The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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