allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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