Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
