Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
