dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think a kid would responsible me up
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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