Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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