They should really pass out barf bags in church
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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