just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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