i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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