Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
