At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
