too bad you live with your parents still
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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