Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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