There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize