I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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