I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
