I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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