Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
