bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
