My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
