I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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