Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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