it wasn't lemon gatorade
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
