Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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