im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
