She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
