I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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