The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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