Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
