i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
