You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i will never coherently bang her
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
