I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
