I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
