Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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