I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
