This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
