I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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