A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
