dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
