nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
