im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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