I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
