so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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