I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
