I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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