worst night to have a conscience
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
