I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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