I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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