Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
