Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
