Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
