FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
