the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
