All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize